The REAL story

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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, as everyone now knows, is back at home and work, after a mysterious disappearance of several days' duration. He claims to have had an affair.

I have an alternate theory.

Politicians can be outed as being gay, they can be busted on video doing drugs, they can be nailed in bribery scandals, they can even be caught having extramarital affairs... and yet all of these are politically survivable.*

But for a politician of any stripe with presidential aspirations, there's one thing that would be the kiss of death, and it would explain why he would claim to have had an affair:

Alien abduction.

Bear with me here. Think about it... what do we know about aliens?

1) They prefer kidnapping people from the South; given the incidence of abductions, their eventual nabbing of a sitting governor rather than a one-tooth-havin' moonshiner is a statistical certainty.

2) The governor flew in from Argentina. Aliens are notoriously inconsiderate as to where they drop off their abductees, so it's not entirely unanticipated that they might drop off the Governor somewhere away from home. He should count himself lucky that they dropped him in the Western hemisphere.

3) The most commonly reported aliens are known as "greys." Where better for them to pick up a human than the birthplace of the Confederacy, South Carolina? Confederate uniforms were — you guessed it — grey.

It makes perfect sense.

Any politician claiming to have been abducted by aliens can kiss his presidential hopes, and perhaps his entire career, goodbye. Compared to that, marital infidelity can be thought of as an astute political move.


* Especially if you're a Democrat — the press has your back.
† Except for Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul.

[This post brought to you by the Andrew Sullivan School of Journalism. Prove me wrong.]

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This page contains a single entry by Russ published on June 24, 2009 2:30 PM.

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